Book Review: How Do I Sexy? by Nillin Lore (nonfiction)

Title: How Do I Sexy?: A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers
Author: Nillin Lore
Publication Date: August 23, 2024 by Thornapple Press
Genres: Nonfiction
Protagonist Gender: N/A

How Do I Sexy? is many things. As a Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers, it is a book about both how and why to be sexy, with equal measures of affirmation and advice. It’s more than just a h0w-to guide, however, with Nillin Lore weaving biography and philosophy into the ‘why’ aspects of the book, leading us on a journey with them.

Nillin opens the book by talking about what they call the Ventura Effect, resulting from the transphobia-for-laughs aspect of Ace Ventura, with Jim Carrey and others gagging and vomiting over the shock/surprise reveal of Sean Young as transgender. For me, it was the Drebin Effect, with Leslie Nielsen having the same deplorable reaction to the transgender reveal of Anna Nicole Smith, but in both cases it’s representative of how we’re indoctrinated from an early age to find transgender people disgusting . . . shameful . . . even frightening. It’s a condemnation of transgender individuals that has long permeated so much of pop culture that many people are plagued with assumptions and visceral reactions based on nothing more than comedic fiction. It’s no wonder we sometimes struggle to accept ourselves and embrace our sexuality, which is why Nillin so carefully sets about undoing the damage before getting to the sexy.

Chapter 3 talks about self-compassion, shaking off unhelpful advice, and finding out what’s behind our anxieties. It’s a sort of intellectual deconstruction that allows us to better embrace the mantras of Chapter 4. What struck me most in that chapter is the idea that “It’s OK to change my mind.” As someone who has, over the years, identified as a transgender, genderqueer, nonbinary, and genderfluid . . . straight, bisexual, and pansexual . . . and often just questioning and confused about it all, that’s a powerful message.

In Chapter 5, Nillin explores the wonderful variations in the human body, and the multitude of ways in which we are free to form relationships, all outside the bounds of heteronormativity. It’s also here where they explore the idea of ‘passing’ as a privilege, of being forced to shift from one binary to another, with the expectation for a full transition (and the prejudices against not transitioning). It’s that pressure to shift within a binary that had me so questioning and confused over the years, and that prejudice against not transitioning that keeps me at arms’ length from our local transgender support group. It’s hard enough to find yourself when most of society is indoctrinated against you – we really don’t need to discriminate within our community,

Chapter 6 is where we really start to get into the idea of feeling sexy, and this was probably one of my favorite parts of the book. There’s talk of gender-affirming prosthetics, from dildos to breastforms to binders, and then we get into the wonderful world of lingerie. As someone who has only ever looked at clothing as something that forces me to hide (dressing to cover up) or allows me to express myself (dressing to feel sexy), I’d never considered the inherent discrimination against trans bodies in those very same clothes. Nillin details how lingerie is largely designed for cisgender bodies, with panties that leave no room for a penis or briefs that leave too much room for the lack of a penis. Fortunately, they share some wonderful advice on how to measure yourself, how to accommodate yourself in selecting a size, and even where to shop, and talk about the difference between

That same chapter (and it is a long chapter) goes on to explore the various cultures where sexy clothing is essential to our feeling sexy. There are some lovely groups here to explore and maybe even experiment with, if you’ve never had the opportunity, but the ones that resonated with me include kittens (one of my fondest memories is being dressed as a kitten and taken on a walk by a trans friend), femboys, twinks, witchy goths, and fetishwear (my fondest memory is being dressed in PVC bondage and tied up in the woods by my Goddess).

Chapter 7 is where we start getting into the idea of being sexy, with a fabulous discussion of the gender-affirming power of makeup (including the sensuality of having it applied by someone else) and tattoos. It’s here that Nillin also explores the challenge and the importance of finding safe spaces and inclusive communities. The only part of the book I have any disagreement with is the section here on how preferences are bigoted. I’m a little more forgiving than Nillin here, partially due to my 15 years of reading, reviewing, writing, and editing own-voices erotica. All of that has exposed me to a wide range of identities and sexualities, allowing me to vicariously explore the differences between sexual and romantic attraction, and (more importantly) appreciate the why of attraction. If you’re looking for a kinky fling involving queening, your preferences are likely going to include a vagina, and if a facial is what makes you feel sexy, a penis is going to be on the agenda. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a relationship, that’s where I agree that preferences can do more harm than good, since a lifetime together allows for a lot more learning, experimentation, and adaptation than a one-time fling.

I’ll leave you to explore the rest and determine best how Nillin’s advice and experiences suit you, but How Do I Sexy? is a fantastic read and a book that’s worth keeping on the shelf for reference or revisiting – it has a useful glossary of terms at the back (including a few terms I didn’t know) and a list of resources I fully intend to take my time exploring.

Rating: ♀ ♀ ♀ ♀ 1/2

My sincere thanks to the publisher for sending me an ARC in exchange for an honest review.